I’m angry all the time now. I just sit around trying to chill out but then I start thinking about stuff that upsets me, and then I try to do stuff but it reminds me of the things that made me angry in the first place. I can meditate, and I feel fine, but once I stand up again I just want to suplex my TV for being so unforgivably dusty and horse kick my car for needing gas to operate.
Listen, retail was awful. I’ve developed problems that I may never get help for because of it. The thing is, retail has natural outlets for a lot of the stress and anger that builds up during the normal course of a day. Stores are naturally social environments, and you’re typically going to be moving around a lot. You don’t have much time to sit and stew - you leave that to the guys in the warehouse.
The office, comparitively, is a nightmare. Anything that hits you you just have to deal with right there. Some client is going to call and berate you for things that were never your fault, and the next time they call you have to pick up the phone and be just as nice as you were before because you’re still not human. To be clear, graduating from making 10k year to making 40k hasn’t change the fact that I’m apparently still shit to be scraped off of a shoe. The only thing that has changed is now I can afford whatever fast food I want and get super fat, which is just a really nice side-effect of trying to give yourself a heart attack and die. Like no joke, there is leftover macaroni and cheese in my car that I got from Krogers during my lunch break. I could just throw it away but it sits there along with an oxford shirt that was stained by mayonaisse. My car is really nice, though, so I have that going for me.
I’ve developed a mnemonic(?) solution for snapping myself out of violent daydreaming. I do things like this a lot. For example, when I stand up I instinctively pat my pockets down to make sure I have my phone, wallet, and keys. Now, whenever I’m staring off into space I’ll hear, “James, are you okay?” I have to do this myself because there nobody else to do it for me. I’m fine with this, because talking to oneself is just the natural progression of becoming so angry you literally explode into fire. I’m not even going to talk about the nightmares. Waking up at 4am and seeing I still had a few hours of sleep left used to be my favorite feeling, but now it’s something I dread.
You know how adolescent males brag about anger issues? I have a pretty standard reaction to people who get angry and lash out in public that mostly involves daydreaming about having heat vision and thus the ability to lobotomize anyone I saw. I’m wondering, though, if these guys know something I don’t know. My anger is hidden and private, and mostly resolves itself on the internet where I can upset the only people that care about me. Maybe it’s time to go full redneck and just yell at people on the street. Maybe I just miss my dog.
So when I send emails to clients I have to end them with a ‘thank you.’ The contents are completely inconsequential.
I’m going to vomit blood all over my keyboard and die without dignity.
This Kraft Macaroni and Cheese comic book I have from the 90s is pure gold…
Classes for a game?
You’re always in peoples’ business. You can’t get enough of secrets. They give you strength. When somebody confides in you or you discover the skeleton in somebody’s closet, you can store that secret away and use it to power your abilities. If the secret is ever…